Chaotic

It's 11.32 Pm in the Night. Just wanted to write, to make these thoughts and feelings permanent. 
I am not at all a good writer, so i am just dreading whatever i write, will it make any sense. Should i change post this to "only i can see" or some option like that. 

Everything is Chaos. And i am like that fellow who is sitting on the parapet( its a real world, i googled to confirm) and watching it all. Not because he is chill and doesn't give a care, not feeling chaotic in his mind, instead i am just choosing to not act on it. 

Question- Isn't it something that fellow is also doing- Choosing to not act and become part of the chaos ?

I don't think so. 
See, i always assume that fellow is relaxed in his mind, doesn't care, doesn't think about it much. 

But me, I am not relaxed in my mind, i care, and i think about it. I just don't want to indulge in the chaos. Oh and i am not talking about chaos of social media because that is something frankly i don't know. Deserves a separate post. 
The chaos that i am talking about is consisting of the following subjects :

Confusion in the mind what to do next
Inability to focus
Inability to care about money or job or leadership
Tendency to forget my tasks
Tendency to forget about my well being....

I don't want to go on auto-pilot anymore. 
But i am just so tired, so i just watch. 

This is the fellow btw- 

who am i

Sometimes circumstances make you realize so much that you forget who you are. Then slowly and slowly you realize what you have become.

Where to Start

Where to Start.

You know the feeling, when you really want to talk about how you feel and have nobody to talk to. When there are thoughts zooming and out of your mind with the speed of light and you just feel the need to stop them. Is thinking too much a selfish trait, is it a moronic thing ? What is it ? Too much time, i guess, i have.

Its hard to express. Where to start.

The past week has been so tough emotionally and i had to dwell deep inside to see the real me. I never really thought, what i really want. I just went with the flow. But not this time. The truth is i am still searching for what i really want, but the process has been initiated. And NO, this "want" is not the same as the question about life. Its more like, what i presently want to do which will impact my future. Its not a high definition label but more of a specific thing.